This column is a cry for assist.
Late final week, I refilled the salt shaker. Thoughts you, it wasn’t empty — but it surely was getting low. So, I unscrewed the cap, Windexed away the pancake syrup and BBQ sauce fingerprints, then topped it off with some Morton’s, iodized after all. Once I was completed, I proudly confirmed The Spouse what I had completed.
Surprisingly, The Spouse appeared lower than impressed. Then once more, she was busy de-pilling a Christmas sweater and accused me of breaking her focus. “Don’t you have something else to do?”
And the reality is, I don’t. After 98 weeks of COVID — or no matter it’s been — I’m actually out of concepts. I’ve drawn a line by way of each merchandise on my Honey Do listing. Typically two strains. I’ve stooped to inventing chores.
One of many clichés of homeownership is, “There’s always something that needs doing.” That was earlier than 2020 got here alongside. It’s gotten so unhealthy I now yell “hurry up!” on the spiders spinning webs between the ficus leaves. The automobile is spotless, the gutters have been cleaned, the storage has by no means appeared higher, the knobs of the kitchen cupboards have been tightened, closets have been decluttered; pants? Who wants pants? There’s not a single bucket-list challenge left for me to sort out.
After all, I may get a deeper bucket.
Because of this I’d prefer to publicly thank Johnny Depp and his ex-Amber Heard.
Simply as I used to be beginning to crack, to consider my life was not worth residing, alongside got here the extremely publicized libel trial spilling salacious particulars of Johnny Depp’s marriage to Amber Heard.
As a rule, I don’t revel within the home issues of others. A nasty marriage is nothing to snigger at, particularly when violence is concerned. In my protection, I didn’t search any of the sordid, debauched particulars of this well-known previously comfortable couple’s non-public lives. Within the age of the interweb, these items finds you want cat hair finds black pants.
In 2018, Heard wrote an op-ed within the Washington Submit claiming she was the sufferer of home abuse. She didn’t point out her abuser by identify, however apparently newspapers in Nice Britain did, therefore the libel swimsuit and the he stated/she stated testimony of Johnny and Amber.
Feeling higher about your life but? There’s extra.
A number of the different eye-popping particulars of the Depp/Heard relationship consists of Depp’s admission he blew by way of $650 million in “Pirates of the Caribbean” booty with one other $100 million owed to actual pirates, the IRS. In the meantime, Amber is alleged to have had a fling with Elon Musk, amongst others, and if you wish to know extra, simply examine your cellphone.
I’m positive I’m not the one one who feels higher about themselves because of this practice wreck. Robert De Niro has troubles of his personal, telling a decide in New York he can’t cowl his ex-wife’s $100,000 month-to-month American Specific allowance as a result of he’s solely raking in $7 million in 2020 as an alternative of his standard $15 million. I’ll let you already know when the GoFundMe is up. Nonetheless, De Niro is an novice in comparison with Depp, who as soon as stated, “It’s insulting to say that I spent $30,000 on wine, because it was far more.”
The well-known are hardly alone in throwing themselves beneath the bus of life. Nonetheless, when the remainder of us screw up, no person cares sufficient to share the small print of our debauchery on Instagram. It generally makes me surprise why anybody would ever covet fame. Then I take into consideration Depp having $650 million to lose and I’ve answered my very own query.
Whereas the tawdry headlines and ugly allegations of abuse may clear Depp’s calendar for the foreseeable future, he can take comfort on this — because the proprietor of 14 homes, together with his personal island, his Honey Do listing must be inexhaustible.
Doug McIntyre’s column seems Sundays. He may be reached at: [email protected]