By: Alex Masse, Peak Affiliate
The toy shops open throughout this pandemic — endangering employees simply so some child can play with Lego for 5 minutes then lose curiosity — discovered their Disney sections totally gutted by a unique plague: Disney Adults.
Following the sweep of something remotely Disney-esque, mother and father have been left wandering numerous aisles, searching for something with Elsa’s face on it for his or her kids’s items. Because the neck of the final Cinderella Barbie snapped, so too did the Karens and Sharons within the retailer. A lunchbox with Woody’s face on it was carried away by a lady in torn garments whereas she mumbled the phrases to “You Got A Friend in Me” to herself.
An grownup that likes Disney morphs right into a Disney Grownup when their fondness for the franchise overrides pure instincts concerning social norms and self-preservation.
A Disney poster in your room? That’s nice.
A Little Mermaid tattoo? Chase your bliss!
Spending your youngster’s school fund on classic Mickey memorabilia? Yeah, you’re pushing it.
Risking your asthmatic companion’s life simply to go to Disney World proper now due to your withdrawal signs from churros? That’s a Disney Grownup.
Disney Adults current themselves as benign, if a bit saccharine — however on the finish of the day, you don’t matter to them. They don’t matter to themselves. All they look after is their Mouse God.
Whereas reporting on a Walmart hit notably arduous by a swarm of Disney Adults, I truly encountered one named Marina within the wild. She was Disneybounding as Snow White and taking singular bites out of each single apple within the retailer. For many who don’t know, Disneybounding is actually modeling outfits off characters in a extra delicate fashion than cosplaying.
Please don’t ask me why I do know this.
Marina defined that this was the primary 12 months Disney had skilled monetary loss in a long time, regardless of proudly owning principally half of all media and churning out toys each second. This terrified her. All of the Disney Adults rallied collectively in hopes of turning income round.
“I’m more into the old stuff,” she informed me. “Like, 70s or earlier. However I’m placing style apart for the sake of a very good deed. I even purchased a Star Wars Funko Pop!”
I knew somebody who collected classic Mickey Mouses (is the plural Mickey Mice? Mouseses? Meese?) — properly, regardless of the case, these issues are terrifying.
I defined that each firm is dropping cash proper now, and that Disney’s monopoly would simply bounce again as soon as this pandemic ended. Why not assist native companies?
Earlier than I may go on, Marina assured me that her devotion can be rewarded, if she simply wished upon a star. Gross.
To which I admitted that, yeah, these have been certain to be classic and invaluable sometime.
“Oh, for sure, but I’m talking about the day I get my citizenship,” Marina informed me.
I requested what she was speaking about.
“It’s inevitable. One day, Disney will have enough power for its parks to become independent and expand into proper empires. Those of us who help Disney the most will get Disneyland citizenship and be permanent residents in the Happiest Place on Earth. My husband and I have been at it for years. The rest of you, well . . . ” She chuckled.
I waited for some signal she was joking. It didn’t come.
Marina took my silence as awe. “You know, if you want, I’ll put in a good word with the Mouse.”
I informed her she may do no matter she happy. Then, as a result of I wanted to get the hell out of there, I requested her about Mickey Waffles. Particularly, what the distinction was between a Mickey Waffle, a famend Disney Parks delicacy, and a daily waffle within the form of Mickey Mouse.
Her eyes glazed over. I made my escape.
Will get ‘em each time.